Stealth

Have you ever watched a movie in pain? Not because you are sick or because the seats are uncomfortable, but because the movie is so horrible that your brain wants to explode? That was Stealth for me. The biggest piece of shit of the year. Or at least top 2 because I'll have to evaluate which one is worse between this and Elektra when I make my bottom list in December, a time when I'm not going to be so angry against Stealth and so it could end up in second place instead of being winner. Or loser actually. My hate is so much that I'm going to spoil this bitch so beware.

The movie is bad from the moment it starts and then it all goes even more downhill. We are introduced to these high-tech superfast anti-terrorism flying jets, who are bombing and shooting mountains full of terrorists as the opening credits tell us. Every pilot in the US applied to fly this jets, and only the top 3 got the job. And at that time we learn that it was all a test run, the jets land and we are introduced (in slo-mo of course) to the 3 pilots.

First up is the All-American white boy Lt. Ben Gannon played by Josh Lucas. He's the lead pilot and an ok guy. We know that he's secretly in love with the girl pilot (introduced in a little bit) and since he doesn't want to act on it, he likes to pick up girls right in front of her. Very smart. Oh yeah, he likes green apples.
Lucas is fine in the lead role and he gets the least bad dialogue in the movie though his is mostly about terrorism and it's really stupid.

Then we have Kara Wade played by Jessica Biel. From the commercials you know she's going to be in a bikini, and that's reason enough to go this movie I know but please fight it and just jerk off to the commercial, because the rest sucks.
Kara is also in love with Ben and she gives him hints, but since she's an All-American rich girl from the high society, he thinks him being a leading pilot in the NAVY is not good enough.
There's not to tell about her other that she looks extremely hot in that bikini, and she also hand washes he panties and hangs them to dry in her room.
Biel looks good but her character's few lines suck. She makes fun of one of Ben's girls for saying "I have to go pee pee" and then she says it later again. She's joking that second time but it still sucks. And she also finishes the movie with "Just tell me you love me, Pussy". It's painful to watch.

And finally we have the black pilot, Henry Purcell played by Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx. Scratch that, he made this movie before Ray and Collateral so please forgive him. There's nothing here from the Foxx we saw last year, this one sucks and is the same actor nobody knew or cared about from before.
His Henry is the Goose of this movie, and of course he dies. But what sucks so much is that they delayed this movie because it was bad, and because they wanted to cash in on Foxx's popularity, so the least they could do is give him some respect. He gets none. First there's some bad lines about prime numbers, which they mention again later in the movie and it sucks. Then there's the pick up lines that are really lame. And finally his death, which is cool but it's like an hour into the movie, and the movie is two hours long. He dies and then there's even a whole new plot added.

The plot centers about the 3 pilots and the new addition to their team, EDI, a jet that flies himself, or itself as Ben says, and it even thinks for itself and can decide stuff out. He's supposed to follow orders but then a lighting storm hits him and he goes crazy, setting a test target as a real target. And that target is in Russia, so to prevent World War III from happening the head of the US government in the NAVY Capt. George Cummings played by Sam Shepard orders the pilots to hunt down EDI and convince it, without hurting it, to go back to the base. Yes, convince a machine full of bombs and weapons to go back. It's just so stupid. And even after EDI causes Henry's death they still want to bring him EDI back instead of just destroying him. And they have to fight him because the brains behind all this didn't think of putting a device in EDI enabling them to destroy him from the base.

But then, after a series of spectacular explosions and anti-terrorist non-sense in which the guys are all over the world fighting in Russia, Thailand, Alaska (where there's a special American base that is in no map and so Cummings sends Ben there to secretly kill him during the end) and Tajikistan. And finally they go to North Korea, where after Henry dies, EDI destroys Kara's jet, and so she ejects herself from it and lands in. Of course we get crap about North Korea being the enemy and that they are not going to be able to rescue and all that shit.
But Ben is the leader, and he's in love with her, so after not destroying EDI, yes, he convinces it to go back, they go to the aforementioned Alaska base where Cummings have guys waiting to kill him, but he kills them instead, and since his jet doesn't work anymore, he rides his now best friend EDI to North Korea to rescue her.

It's all very lame, full of explosions and action so fast that you can't even understand what's going on, and the dialogue is a disaster. Rob Cohen directed this movie after The Fast and the Furious and XXX, which are way better movies that this, because besides the action they have good characters (at least The Fast and the Furious), unlike the just white guy, white girl, black guy and evil boss of Stealth, seriously a horrible movie. And please go see The Island, which is like The Godfather compared to this.